"Why Didn't They Tell Me?": Understanding the Shame System Behind Sextortion

Brad Sorte
Jan 19
8 min read

Updated: Jan 19

Part 2 in our series on protecting children from online predation.

Read Part 1: Roblox, 764 and the New Face of Online Predators

a teenage boy in his room in a panic after being pressured to send money or more photos, lost in the Shame System Behind Sextortion

KEY TAKEAWAYS:

39 confirmed teen suicides linked to sextortion in the last 24 months. The youngest victim was 13 years old.¹
85% of victims cite embarrassment as the reason they never tell anyone. 16% never tell anyone at all.²
Boys represent 91% of victims and are significantly less likely to disclose.³
70% of teens game with strangers weekly, but they don't perceive them as strangers.⁴
The shame mechanism is the predator's most powerful weapon.

Introduction

March 25, 2022. Jordan DeMay, 17, basketball and football star, homecoming king at Marquette Senior High School in Michigan. At 10:19 p.m., he got an Instagram message from "Dani Robertts." Cute smile, sunglasses, hugging a German shepherd. She said she was from Texas but going to high school in Georgia.⁵

Jordan was used to getting friend requests from random girls. He was tall, athletic, popular.

They messaged. She was flirty. He sent an explicit photo.

The tone changed immediately. Dani wasn't a teenage girl. The photos were stolen from a real victim.

Pay $1,000 or the photo goes to everyone. Friends, family, coaches, everyone.

Jordan told them he was going to kill himself.

Their response: "Good. Enjoy your miserable life."⁵

Six hours later, his parents found him. His bags for their Florida spring break vacation were still packed on his bed.

Jordan DeMay became the first case where sextortion scammers were extradited from Nigeria.⁶ But he wasn't the first victim. In the 24 months after his death, 38 more confirmed teen suicides have been directly linked to sextortion. The youngest was 13 years old.¹

The Numbers Are Accelerating

Sextortion reports involving children jumped from 34,000 in 2023 to 54,000 in 2024—a 59% increase in one year.⁷ Between October 2024 and March 2025, the FBI reported a 30% increase in sextortion-related tips.⁷

Ryan Last, 17, San Jose. Straight-A student, Eagle Scout, second-degree black belt. Dead after being extorted for $150. He left a note describing how embarrassed he felt.⁸

Gavin Guffey, 17, South Carolina. His father, state representative Brandon Guffey, testified before the Senate, holding his son's photo. South Carolina passed "Gavin's Law," making sextortion of minors an aggravated felony.⁹

Bryce Tate, 15, West Virginia. 120 threatening messages in 20 minutes. Law enforcement told his father these tactics create "tunnel vision" where victims physically cannot set their phones down. Dead within three hours of first contact.¹⁰

Weber County Sheriff's Office in Utah gets at least one sextortion case involving a minor every single week.¹¹

The Wrong Question

Parents keep asking:

"Why didn't they just come to us?"

That's the wrong question.

The right question is:

"Why did they believe we would never forgive them?"

That belief is what kills them.

Why Kids Don't Report the "Stranger"

Your child doesn't report the stranger in their Minecraft or Roblox world because they don't think of them as a stranger. They're just another player.

70% of teens engage in online gaming with strangers weekly.⁴ But these strangers don't feel like strangers. They're part of the community. Same server, same interests, same language.

Fareedah Shaheed, CEO of Sekuva and a Forbes 30 Under 30 honoree, violated her parents' rule against talking to strangers online when she was young. Her reasoning: "I needed to communicate with others to play these games right. It also didn't help that I enjoyed getting to know people from diverse backgrounds, and this led me to feel that my parents didn't understand."¹²

Many children are already lonely. Ignored by busy parents, isolated from peers, starving for connection. Online gaming isn't entertainment. It's where they finally feel seen.

When a "friend of a friend" joins the game, there's no alarm bell. They already have common ground. Your child isn't interacting with a stranger in a dark alley. They're interacting with someone who understands their favorite game, who might be the only person who's paid attention to them all week.

Traditional "stranger danger" warnings fail here.

How the Trap Works

Stage 1: Friendly approach.

Compliments, shared interests, gaming, late-night chats.

Stage 2: Emotional bond.

Closeness develops. Your child looks forward to these conversations.

Stage 3: Boundary testing.

Small dares, "secret conversations," intimate requests.

Stage 4: The hook.

A nude photo is sent. Feels consensual. Feels like trust.

Stage 5: The trap.

"Do what I say, or I'll post this." Immediate, specific, credible threats. They name your child's friends, family, and school.

Stage 6: Escalation.

Demands for: more nude photos. Money. Violent acts. Self-Harm on Video. Fear prevents disclosure because now they believe they're guilty too.

This can happen in hours. Jordan DeMay was dead six hours after the first message.⁵

Bryce Tate died within three.¹⁰

The Shame System Behind Sextortion

By the time children are being extorted, they've already done something that generates profound shame. They sent the photo. They crossed the line.

Now they believe:

"I did something wrong."

"I've produced child pornography." (Predators tell them this)¹³

"I will be prosecuted." (Predators tell them this too)¹³

"My parents will never forgive me."

"I am guilty too."

The FBI notes that children fear losing phone access, fear legal consequences, and fear social humiliation.¹³ They fear they've become someone their parents couldn't possibly love anymore.

85% of victims said embarrassment was their primary reason for not going to friends and family. 16% never told anyone at all.²

This devastates boys particularly.

91% of sextortion victims are boys, but boys are significantly less likely to disclose.³

Societal expectations around masculinity create additional barriers. Boys are expected to demonstrate strength. Acknowledging vulnerability contradicts everything they've been taught.

Sextortion is invisible. No drugs in their room. They don't come home intoxicated. Grades might even be fine initially. But internally, they're trapped in psychological hell.

The Scripts Your Child Needs to Hear

Your child needs to hear specific things from you before this happens, not after.

For Younger Children (Elementary/Middle School):

"The internet is helpful for homework and talking with friends, but dangerous things can happen there. People have asked kids to take pictures without clothes on, or to do harmful things to themselves or even their pets. This is so dangerous that I want you to come to me immediately if you ever see anything like it online. You will never be in trouble for telling me. My job is to protect you, not punish you."

For Teens (High School and College):

"I need to talk to you about sextortion. It's when someone tricks you into sending explicit photos and then threatens to share them unless you send money or more photos.

This is happening to thousands of teenagers. Teens are dying by suicide because they believe they'll get in trouble or that we'll never forgive them.

If this ever happens to you, even if you've already sent a photo, even if they're already threatening you, come to me immediately. You will not be in trouble. You will not lose your phone. You are not guilty of anything. The person threatening you is the criminal.

Nothing you could ever do would make me stop loving you. Do you understand that?"

The Follow-Up (A Few Days Later):

"Remember when we talked about sextortion? If someone gets you to send a photo, they've manipulated you. That's what predators do. They're experts. It doesn't mean you're stupid or bad.

If you're ever scared, say: 'I need help with something online.' That's it. You don't have to explain right away. Just say those words, and I'll stop everything and help you.

Can you say that back to me now?"

For Gaming:

"When you're playing Minecraft/Roblox/Fortnite with people online, I know they feel like friends. But if someone you've only met online starts asking personal questions, where you live, what school you go to, asking for photos, or wanting to move the conversation to another app, that's a warning sign.

It probably won't feel dangerous. That's the problem.

So we need some hard rules:

No moving conversations off the game to other apps.
No sharing personal information.
No photos of yourself, ever.
And if someone asks you to keep any part of your friendship secret from me, that's when you tell me, even if it feels fine.

This is the difficult part: these conversations often don't feel dangerous until it's too late. The best protection is keeping communication open between us so you know you can always come to me, even when something feels confusing rather than clearly wrong."

The Monitoring Debate

Parents ask me: "Should I be going through my kid's chats? Their search history? Isn't that violating their privacy?"

This isn't the same as reading your child's diary in the 1980s.

A diary was private thoughts on paper, locked in a drawer. A phone is a portal to a global network where predators actively hunt children, where sextortion rings operate 24/7, where a single conversation can end in suicide within three hours.

You're not violating privacy. You're supervising their access to millions of strangers.

This isn't about trust. This is about supervision. You wouldn't let your 13-year-old wander alone through a city at 2 a.m. Their phone at 2 a.m. is statistically more dangerous.

Some families are using monitoring software. Two platforms that come up frequently are Bark (bark.us) and Qustodio (qustodio.com). We haven't vetted these tools ourselves, so this isn't an endorsement. But they represent solutions that families are actively using to maintain visibility.

The question isn't whether to monitor. The question is how to monitor in a way that maintains connection rather than creating secrecy.

Tell your child you're monitoring. Explain why. Make it part of the agreement for device access. "I check your accounts the same way I'd want to know who you're hanging out with after school. Not because I don't trust you. Because I love you and predators are real."

What Parents Must Do

Have the conversation today. Your child needs to hear these words before a predator reaches them.

Normalize the topic. Don't make it a one-time talk. Bring it up periodically.

Create a code phrase. Simple language your child can use: "I need help with something online."

Know which platforms your child uses. Know who their online friends are.

Watch for warning signs: Sudden secrecy around devices, mood swings tied to online activity, late-night gaming, new online friends they won't discuss, increased anxiety, financial requests, conversations moved to Discord or encrypted apps.

Respond with support, not punishment. If your child comes to you: "Thank you for telling me. You did the right thing. We're going to handle this together."

Do not take their phone. Do not lecture them. Do not increase their shame.

Document and report. Screenshot everything. Don't delete anything. Report to cybertip.org and your local FBI office.

Get professional help. Your child needs support to process the trauma.

Why This Works

Sextortion works because predators understand child psychology better than most parents do. They know lonely kids don't scrutinize new friendships. They're just grateful someone showed up.

They know gaming creates community, and "stranger danger" warnings don't register when the stranger speaks your child's language.

They know shame is more powerful than any lock or filter.

They know boys won't ask for help because admitting vulnerability feels like admitting weakness.

And they know that if they can make your child believe they're guilty too, your child will stay silent.

That's why 39 teens have died in the last 24 months.¹ Not 39 cases. 39 deaths.

The only defense is breaking the shame mechanism before it activates.

Your child needs to know that nothing they could do online would make you stop loving them. That you understand predators are experts at manipulation. That coming to you is always safe.

That belief is the only thing standing between your child and a predator counting on their silence.

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